| Reflections on the A train |
[14 Nov 2007|08:56pm] |
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mood |
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 nostalgic |
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I have said for quite some time that I would love to live in New York City. It really is an aspiration that a vast number of people around the world strive for. People flock to New York for it's endless movement, exciting opportunities, and fast-paced, cosmopolitan lifestyle.
Tonight on the A train however, it dawned on me that perhaps my desire to live here is somewhat idealised. For you see, I already have this kind of life... in Toronto. I think I've somehow lost touch with what I used to dream of and also with what I used to be content with. Five years ago, Toronto was the city I would kill to be in. Sure, New York would have been great, but Toronto was where I wanted to be. And, in being away from it, I have only now come to see again how much I love it. An old friend of mine once said that I "was all Toronto, all about Toronto, nothing but Toronto"... I didn't quite think that at the time, but now I've begun to see the truth in it. Toronto is, and has been for years now, the focal point of my life. It has seen me through ups and downs, trials and pitfalls, many frustrating times, and also many of the happiest times in my life.
A few weeks ago, I was interviewed for TorontoLife magazine. At first I wasn't going to do it, but I'm glad I did. The girl called me the other day to discuss the article I was included in, and it really helped set off the train reaction of thought that has brought me here, writing this entry. On December 6, I'll be in the magazine, so check it out.
It is somewhat strange that I have been longing for something I, essentially, already have (albeit on a somewhat larger scale). Don't get me wrong, I love New York very, very much. It is a fantastic, wonderful, and vibrant city; a true gem of human civilazation. It has earned it's place among the elite group of Alpha World Cities, alongside the likes of Paris, London, and Tokyo. Yet, as much as New York is important and close to my heart, it is still not what Toronto is to me. Nothing can be. It has been so long since I really thought about home that way, but I am glad to feel it again. I often used to say when I had first moved there that "Toronto is the love of my life"... it sounds somewhat cliché, but it is so very true. Even if I were to leave it in search of bigger and brighter things in life, I would take it with me; it will always be home, the city I belong in.
I will miss New York when I leave tomorrow. And I will come back very soon, and probably with a greater deal of frequency over the coming months. But I am excited to return to Canada, to the CN Tower and Yonge St and just... all of it.
It may not be New York, or Paris, or London, or Tokyo, but for me... it's the greatest city the world has ever seen.
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| Adventures in... Brooklyn? |
[13 Nov 2007|07:16pm] |
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mood |
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 happy |
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When you are in the city that never sleeps, it is quite surprising when you unintentionally fall asleep. In my case, I was on the subway today, heading towards Union Square to go hunting for books, and I ended up nodding off. By the time I woke up, I was in the middle of Brooklyn, and the train was bound for Coney Island. As I had never been before, I thought it would interesting to finish the ride instead of just getting off and heading back to Manhattan. It had been a long time since I had seen the ocean, and it was a great opportunity to go to a part of New York I had never been too. Suffice to say, it was an entertaining little trip.
On the way back, I got some great views of Lower and Midtown Manhattan as the train crossed the Manhattan Bridge.
After I returned to the city, I walked around the West Village for a bit, got coffee, a bite to eat, etc., before heading back to the Upper West Side. It was rush hour by this point so it took FOREVER to get an express train... and of course, it was packed. But here I am, alive and well. I'm going for dinner with Esther at this little dive of a pizza place at 101st and Broadway... it looks like crap, but it's pretty much the universe's most amazing pizza. And it's cheap. After that we're gonna go grab Sbux down on 8th Ave and walk around a bit and then... who knows? Anything is possible: this is New York. And I love it.
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| Adventures in Manhattan |
[12 Nov 2007|10:32pm] |
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mood |
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 accomplished |
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Soo, here I am, in Manhattan, and it's been a pretty busy few days. I've more or less walked a combined total of about 700 blocks (hence why I'm going to bed at like... 8pm every night) all over the city, but it's been great.
I saw a huge accident at 9th Ave and West 29th St today... firetruck slammed into a little honda full on. Everyone was ok but it was LOUD. Otherwise it's been an uneventful weekend.
I'm going to Brooklyn tomorrow to pick some stuff up at Target that I need... and cause it'll be waaay cheaper than in Manhattan.
For now, I gotta run and grab shit at the drug store and then go to bed cause I am WIPED. Peace out.
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| Fog |
[18 Oct 2007|04:21am] |
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mood |
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 scared |
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It's 4:30AM and I'm getting ready for work, all the while there is super crazy thick horror movie fog outside.
Now, I don't live in the best neighbourhood ever, so I feel really stupid for sitting here and continually making myself believe that it IS super crazy thick horror movie fog.
.......... but it really is, I'm sure of it.
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| Transit ISSUES. |
[13 Sep 2007|03:34pm] |
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mood |
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 angry |
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Today the TTC announced that it is raising fares, AGAIN, this time to 2.90$ for a single ride, and 109$ for Monthly Metropasses. Yes. ONE HUNDRED NINE... for ONE month. This is ridiculous. The city councillors who rejected the taxes that would have prevented all this are just a bunch of rich bastards who live in Forest Hill/Rosedale and drive their SUV's to work everyday. They have no concern for, say, the single mother of 3 who now has to work even MORE, just to pay to GET to work. They just don't want to pay an extra few bucks a year on the land their gargantuan, energy-squandering mansions sit on. The TTC projected a loss of 6 million riders per year from this hike alone, which means they're barely going to break even anyways. What's even worse, is that if the city of Toronto's new land transfer taxes fail to be approved, they're going to end up having to take massive service cuts alongside the fare hike, meaning that approximately 35 million riders per year will give up on the TTC due to lack of access/reliability and overcrowding.
This used to be one of the best cities in the world to live in. Now it's going to shit, starting with the transit system and just snowballing into ass. Ass I say.
This has put me in a bad mood. I'm going to go make a little bagel pizza to feel better.
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| The Calm Crisis. |
[04 Sep 2007|03:42pm] |
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mood |
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 bored |
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Ok, so, this is the first September since I was 4 years old that I have not been in school. I am oddly calm, yet I cannot determine whether this is my true state, or simply my mind tricking itself into avoiding an existential crisis or something. In theory, this should be a lot weirder than it is. But I'm pretty ok with it... to be honest, even though I am taking the year off because I just can't afford it, I'm kind of happy to have a year to do what I want. I figure that it's smarter for me to get all the stupid stuff in my life organised and out of the way now, so when I DO go back next September, it'll be smooth sailing into the 4.0 I'll need to get into UofT grad school... or maybe Columbia or NYU??? More to come.
Otherwise, things are good. Busted up my leg nice and pretty playing street hockey in the Don Valley on the weekend. It's not too bad, but it was pretty bloody and I have a nice little gash on my shin. Whatever, chicks dig scars... I think.
Anyways, I'm outta here, going rollerblading for a bit and then bed early so I can be up to work my 10 hour day tomorrow... Boo.
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| The Weight of the World |
[30 Aug 2007|12:09pm] |
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mood |
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contemplative |
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Today was interesting. I was kind of sick at work, and when I am sick I tend to turn into a very quiet, docile person. I'm always amused by how much people notice me when I'm quiet; I guess I'm just SO loud every other time. I've found lately though that I am becoming more toned down and docile overall. Maybe my coworkers are slipping sedatives into my food and drink. I hope it's barbituates at least. Everyone loves barbituates.
Also, we were talking about something very interesting to me. I always found the whole "Harry Potter" phenomenon interesting because it has not only managed to turn an entire generation of children back onto reading, but it has also managed to capture adult imaginations too. It's strange to think that such a childish concept (a boy wizard in magic school) has ensnared so many people. But as I got to thinking about it, I started wandering off into thoughts about innocence and the world's problems. I mean... everyone likes it, because deep down, everyone likes an adventure and magic and all that stuff. We all start out in life with that sense of innocence and wonder... and then slowly we just start to become hardened. We get pulled into the world's problems and become adults. It's weird... sort of like the first 10-12 years of life are, for the most part, rather care free and easy. Sure there are problems, but they're kid problems... it's like we're given a buffer. Start life all fun and happy, and then around puberty, we start to care. Opinions start to form, and slowly the reality of life and the world dawns on us.
Living on the lower east side of downtown Toronto (affectionately known as 'Crackton') has really opened my eyes to what life actually does to people. Every time I see a "crackhead" I'm always torn between two thoughts: 1) get away from me 2)... what happened to you? It's so... perplexing to think about these people who just gave up. I always wonder... what HAPPENED? What thing was so bad, pushed so far that you just broke; gave up on life, and just spiralled down? Sure we all have problems, but what happened, what did you do or was done to you that just... pushed you to far to bounce back? I think it just furthers what I mentioned earlier about innocence... even the strongest person has a breaking point. So, the question is... what's yours? What's mine? It's kind of unsettling to think about, but it also really helps put things in perspective. I think by seeing what life can be, knowing that a certain path could lead us to become the crazy person sleeping on the corner... I think that really helps to decide when you've had enough of something and it's time to change your patterns, your whole life. It's almost inspiring in a bizarre way; the fear of knowing that you have a breaking point can motivate you to do great things and not fuck up your life. In the end... is it caring, or just fear of what could be that keeps us going? With the weight of the world constantly bearing down, it is a fine line that divides the path to what life will become.
Just something I was thinking about.
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| Ah yes, rage. |
[28 Aug 2007|02:37pm] |
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cynical |
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Not only is my laptop fucked, but now, like clockwork, I have broken my FUCKING iPOD. It still plays music... kind of. But the screen is all fucked. Can they replace JUST the screen/LCD on the new nanos, or am I going to have to shell out another fucking fortune for a new one. Either way, I'm so enraged by all this. The laptop I could handle, even if I wasn't happy about it... but this TOO?!
As an aside, I think my rage sort of boiled over when I told the panhandler at the corner of Yonge and Wellesley to "GET A DAMNED JOB"... yea... I bet everyone thought I was cool. Personally, after, I felt like an idiot that I let something as stupid as a broken iPod get at me. I guess I just really like having my iPod, I take it everywhere, the thought of it not working (in tandem with my laptop) is just frustrating. Oh well, they are just material things in the end.
Going to work soon... I planned on walking but as I had to come all the way up to Bloor to check my email and stuff at campus, I figured I might as well shell out the 2.75$ for the subway.
At least the library doesn't smell like feet like the internet cafe did. Actually, I'm in the really nice library, Pratt, that was all redone by Ikea. It's fancy and glass and stuff.
... there's a guy across from me who looks like me. Same hair colour, same glasses, same look of malcontent and cynicism... weiiiird. He just got up... he's shorter than I am. And his clothes are a little too Gap-meets-sadness for my liking, but otherwise, it's a pretty close likeness.
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| this net cafe smells like feet... still... |
[27 Aug 2007|08:47pm] |
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mood |
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bored |
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Nothing of particular interest happened today. Thanks to Marc, and Dan, and Will for comments regarding my ever-so-fucked laptop. More to come on that in the next few weeks.
Work today was alright, felt like it would be a long day, but it ended up pretty ok after all. Went home with the intention to head right back out... ended up watching Roseanne and falling asleep for 5 hours. Nobody's surprised.
Now I am going to get some food at Dominion, then go home, sit my ass in front of the tv before bed, and do the whole thing over again tomorrow. Life is goooood.
Also, getting transferred and promoted at work by the end of September?? More to come!
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| RIP Laptop. |
[26 Aug 2007|02:37pm] |
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mood |
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distressed |
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So I blew my laptop up and I don't know what to do. Near as I can tell, I probably need a new hard drive. When I go home in 2 weeks (btw Ottawa folks, in the city from the 7th-12th, let's do lunch or some shit) I'm gonna get my stepdad to look at it... because I really can't shell out 100$ for a new hard drive right now.
Well,maybe it's a good thing that I won't have a computer for a while - I mean, if I feel I can't LIVE without it... I probably need to try, right? Right.
.... this internet cafe smells like feet. I need coffee.
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| Uhh |
[19 Aug 2007|09:08pm] |
Anonymous Comment 19/20/2007: I'm calling bullshit on this
Um... ok? Congratulations? As the stupidity of this apparent "argument" is laughable, I really don't see what kind of response you're expecting, oh masked stranger.
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| Tired |
[17 Aug 2007|10:29pm] |
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mood |
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happy |
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I worked a 5AM-9PM day today, at two seperate stores. My back muscles feel like they're on fire, my feet hurt, my eyes hurt, and I'm sore all over. I've been working crazy hours lately, at half the Starbucks in downtown Toronto (and you know that means a LOT of places). I have gone many double-digit number of days work stretches without a day off.
The funny thing is, I love this job more than anything I've ever done. I'm so happy with it all, it's completely knocking my cynical compass of bitterness off the map. :D
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| Anonymous Comments |
[16 Aug 2007|04:34pm] |
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For whoever left the anonymous comment a few days ago, I feel you should know that your comment, although not specifically insulting (if it was, it was subtle) was deleted without being read, as I think anonymous comments are sort of lame. Personally, I feel if you wish to critique someone else's valid, personal thoughts about thei life, that they have chosen to share with the world, you should at least have the nads to admit who you are. Just a thought.
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| Records and Changes |
[15 Aug 2007|12:50am] |
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mood |
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content |
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After work today I sat around for a large part of the evening, going through my old financial statements and all that junk, just organising some clutter when it struck me at how very different a person I am now, compared to say, 4 years ago. I am kind of surprised at how different life looks/feels/IS... I mean, of course I was aware that life at this age would be a lot different (in every way) from my mid-to-late teens, but it isn't what I expected it to be (which I also sort of expected... confusingly...).
Even over the past year to 6 months a lot has changed. I went from a heavily depressed, disorganised, wreck of a person trying to sort things out in a very... disorderly and ineffective manner, to a hyper organised, stable... dare I say, adult? No longer young adult but adult?? Hmm...
I mean, I don't really drink or do drugs or go out or... anything anymore, yet I am very content with life. I actually really look forward to coming home from work on a Friday night and maybe just reading the paper and doing stuff, maybe going out to get groceries or something and then going to bed early so I can actually DO stuff on my saturday off. Cut to August every year for the past few years, and I would probably be out hammered off my face (as so, so, SO many of you remember) every time a Friday rolled around.
I've also really stopped 'caring' about certain things, particularly social. I don't feel so dependent on what people think, and, as a result I've noticed a massive shift in my friend roster lately. I feel as though, especially in Toronto, I surrounded myself for a long time with a crowd I probably was never really part of, but stuck with as it was all I knew/had here. Further, I've also noticed that I don't really worry or get down about dating and stuff anymore. I used to hate how it would be the same routine: get to know someone a bit, let your guard down because it might BE something... then poof they disappear, along with my will to live. Now? It's like: Oh... they're gone... who cares? I know it doesn't seem like it's ideal, but it really works for me to have this mindset. I feel like I'm more open to the possibility that I'm going to might someone RIGHT, and by being honest with myself and how I want life to be, it's more likely that I'll find someone who can stick with it for the long run and handle my many many neuroses (I'm still as weird as ever).
It's strange how sitting and filing Visa slip and bank statements for 2 hours can stir up all these thoughts and realisations. Strange, but interesting.
Anyways, I'm going to bed, tomorrow is my day off and I have things to do. I like that I don't just sit around at home on days off anymore... I'll actually go out and get things done, and not have to worry until the last minute. It all seems so obvious to most of you, I'm sure... but it has taken me a long time to grow to this stage of life. And I have to say, I'm really enjoying it.
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| You know what Monday, fuck you too. |
[13 Aug 2007|11:38am] |
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mood |
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cynical |
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So... I opened this morning, work at 5AM, everything was alright, we were down a person, but we managed, it was alright. I was tired, but still in a really upbeat mood... oh boy!
I'm going along, doing my thing, laughing it up with everyone, la la la la... And I go to tuck my shirt in.... hey... why is my hand going right through?
OH, I HAVE A FOOT LONG RIP FROM MY WAIST, DOWN MY ASS, TO MY KNEE. There I am, having a gay old time, never knowing that for god knows how long, a large part of the people who work in Toronto's financial district have a foot wide window into what damned colour underwear I wear. Yea. FUN.
I hate Monday. No other news to report. The kitty is still annoying, the apartment is still creepily clean all the time (hooray for OCD), and I'm still a shining beacon of bitterness and cynicism for 20-somethings everywhere. :)
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| Introversion and Change |
[09 Jul 2007|11:58pm] |
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 optimistic |
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Earlier today, after dealing with an absolutely bad bad bad day, I sat down to do what I always do when I need a little guidance, a perk up, or just a quick escape: I sat down and watched Sex and the City. Now, before you scroll away thinking this is another rant on how much I love the show and why, it's not.
I got to thinking about people and television. Well, any entertainment medium really. We all seem so enthralled with our electronic gadgets, and we are constantly bombarded with how great they are, how bad they are, etc., and it got me to thinking... how and why are we dependent on things like, for example, a television show?
I can't really speak for anyone else, but the more I thought about it, the more I realised that my own experience probably rings true for many: I can relate to my show. For those who are fans of SatC (maybe even the diehard, obsessive fans, such as myself) you know that so many think it is all about sex or fashion or shallowness. But if you actually watch it, you see that it is really like one long story, cut into 92 little pieces. The story arcs combine and combine higher and higher into the central theme of the show: the emotionally tumultuous world of love, sex, friendship, and most of all change. For four characters to change in such drastic ways and learn so much about life and, in the end, themselves, who they are, and who they want to be is so... real. Yes I acknowledge, it is just a tv show; but it helps to represent so much more.
My life is very much mirrored into the show in my mind. I'm now an adult, moved to the big city, struggling to find my feet in work, money, and relationships... but also with myself. I have been trying to strike the balance between who I am, who I want to be, and my true internal identity in the face of so much change. And like on the show, there are obstacles I have faced. I think a lot of people will agree, that I can be very difficult to get to open up about certain things. I have a knack for hiding things well, and keeping them hidden under an array of wild, obnoxious loudness. I think we all do that a little; it helps keep people from ever seeing our pains, desires, hopes, dreams, etc... the stuff we all know deeeeeep inside, but would never say to the world (and sometimes can't even admit openly to ourselves). What I find most interesting is how one simple tv show has helped me realise that I am not alone in my endeavours. Despite being fictional characters, their very existence has helped me to cope with many deep, deep hurts and tragedies that I could never share openly, and also to understand that I am not alone in my thoughts and dreams, and that so many people live life like this every day.
Maybe this all makes me seem like some loon who just spends too much time watching one stupid tv show... I know it can seem that way. But maybe this will help some people understand that it's not really about the show or the stories or anything else. It's a way to cope, to deal, to try and understand life is a whole, and work through the big problems when there seems to be no other way to do it. It can be nice to live vicariously through someone else for a while... because somehow in losing yourself, you start to gain a better understand of yourself... If that makes any sense at all.
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| Questions |
[26 Jun 2007|02:38am] |
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mood |
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contemplative |
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It's intriguing how as a child I was the kid who always had the right answer. I'm certainly not trying to blow my own whistle, but for those who know me, it is somewhat obvious that I can act like a "know-it-all". What I find most interesting though is that while out outwardly I always seem to have an answer, in my head I have spent most of my life (my adult life, at least) asking questions. Questions about life and love, friends and family... but also deeper things, questions about the universe and it's purpose, the very nature of it's existence. I have always longed for an explanation on the existence of... existence itself, and how we are born into a world, driven with hungers and passions which we do not understand.
Aside from that, my train of thought this past week also led me down the road of personal growth and change. Four years ago, I was 16 years old and went to my very first pride festival in Ottawa. At the time, I was in love with it. I saw it as an expression of emotion and freedom, happiness and fun. But this year, so many years later... I just couldn't wait for the damn thing to be over. I spent this pride in a state of somewhat abject though, basically just wanting my city to return to normal. It is no secret that I claim to have a very strong personal connection with Toronto; indeed I have stated on more than one occasion that it is probably the love of my life. So, even though the pride festival is a strong economic boom and really allows many others to see how great this city is... I really just wanted them all to leave. I found myself hating the crowded subway lines, the already busy sidewalks simply overloaded with people to the point of annoyance. It was hot and muggy and there were people everywhere and I really just wanted to walk home without having to worry about my appearance after work being judged by 1 million+ new people.
It's interesting how our, or I should say my, point of view on such a thing has changed so much. I went from hating a city and loving it's festival to loving the city and loathing the festival. Perhaps it has something to do with my recent changes in personal behaviour: I don't really drink or party or do any of the things I did in my first year or two of university for example. Of course I indulge occasionally, on birthdays and random events (I am human after all) but lately I've found myself perfectly content to just be working and to enjoy quieter nights at home watching tv, playing with my cat, going for walks and rollerblading and living a more... 'adult' life. Have I become so jaded and cynical that I no longer want to even be social? Or is it that I am just maturing to a point where that way of life seems to give me no validation or sense of meaning anymore? Certainly it's something to think about and I'll probably never get a clear, concrete answer; at least not in the immediate future.
Watching myself age and grow older, as well as watching those around me change and age, has been without a doubt the single most fascinating thing in life for me. I find it strange to look down at my hands and realise that, although we use them for everything we very rarely pay any 'real' attention to them. It's odd to look at them and see how they've changed so much since we were younger. Little scars and scratches, marks and lines. The subtle changes in skin tone and clarity, changes in hair pattern and the nails. It's funny how we never really notice ourselves changing and getting older, yet every now and then we are struck with a sort of epiphany at how much we have actually changed. I wonder if this is some sort of special psychological mechanism to prevent us from lapsing into fits of panic at how old we get, or if maybe at the very cores of our being are not as afraid of aging as we think. It seems that we all are, what with the multi-billion dollar cosmetic and fashion industries constantly bombarding us with images of youth and beauty... but maybe at the very deep levels of our minds, the most fundamental and sometimes inaccessible level, we all are ok and accepting of our age. I mean, from very early childhood we become aware that everyone grows up and then we realise that at some point all things must die. We learn that this is an inevitable fact of existence - it has always been this way, for all living things.
If you really think about, it almost seems silly to worry about it. Sure, there is that fear of the unknown, a fear of being forgotten, looking older and unwanted... but there is no true escape from it. It really isn't all that bad if you think about it; I've enjoyed growing and changing, absorbing more knowledge and watching my understanding of life and reality, the universe itself change and build. It almost seems sometimes as if there is a place in our mind that we can never quite reach but seems to 'get it'. As though we all have a built-in, fundamental and total understanding of what it truly is 'to be' and what the meaning of everything really is - it just feels a little out of reach, somewhat impossible to put into words. It's the sort of thing that you can never really explain to another person, we all just know it, somehow and at some level.
Our minds have the capacity to explore all reaches of the universe. Indeed, although we are physically bound by certain laws that govern motion and reality, in our minds we can travel from one end of the universe to the other instantaneously. How marvelous it can feel to try and explore the universe in your mind, to imagine the state of things at, say, the core of a star, or the delicate rings of Saturn. I can see in my bed the strange, silent and ethereal beauty of those rings; thousands of kilometres wide and at some places mere centimetres thick, floating in a silent dance around a distant planet for endless eons. Long after we are gone, they will remain as they always have. It's a sobering and thought invoking thing, the extreme stellar time periods. It's also kind of comforting though to realise that the universe does go on without you and will continue to for a very, very long time.
It's about 3AM now and I've wandered off my thought path, as I always seem to do, at least in my head if not out loud. But maybe my message will get across and someone will see through the words. Maybe not... either way, if you've read this, you're probably finding yourself asking your own questions - and that's what's really important in all this. Ask the questions, and seek the answers... even if you know you'll never find them.
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| Heyaaa |
[21 Jun 2007|12:49pm] |
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mood |
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amused |
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I haven't updated in forever, but I have to keep this short since I'm at work. So...
- Working at the Ideacity conference has been incredible. This is a huge (and very very expensive conference) and getting in free through work has been the best thing EVER. I actually MET and had a good 20 minute conversation with Richard Dawkins yesterday - he is a world reknowned evolutionary biology professor and possibly the most fascinating man I have ever met. It was great.
- My birthday was a few weeks ago and I had an awesome time, thank you to everyone who came out and for all the birthday wishes.
- My new kitten is driving me insane, but I love him anyways. He just needs to shut up so I can sleep.
Anyways I'm going now to get some more free coffee and food... another reason why this conference is the best one I've ever been to/worked at.
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| Panic is setting in. |
[25 May 2007|01:38pm] |
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mood |
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scared |
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Facebook is down. The hysteria is growing. What do we do now? We've all lost the ability to socialize by any other means - the telephone? WHAT THE HELL IS THAT? This is 2007, the phone is so... 1980's. The important thing to do is to just stay inside and wait for Facebook to come back. Going outside will surely lead to mass riots as people attempt to interact with each other without the all important buffer of Facebook.
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| Please See Attached Existence |
[23 May 2007|03:50am] |
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mood |
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 melancholy |
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Alright, the following is a rather long and detailed, somewhat indepth and technical collection of my thoughts regarding my life, my situation, and my thoughts in general. I have changed all names to false names to avoid any dramatic inquiries. Most of you will not read it all; most will not be comfortable with some of it... but these are things I need to say for once, to someone, to the universe, whoever.
( The thoughts of existence... )
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orionsky's journal